Fall has never been a favorite of mine.  Summer draws to a close, the air becomes cooler and the days become shorter.  The chill in the air reminds me of so many things.  While many enjoy their comfy sweaters and nights by the fire, I am missing someone...my Dad.  It will be three years on October 22nd that he was called Home and aside from losing Mom, it was the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Dad's birthday is tomorrow, October 14th.  I know many people have heard the story about how I was supposed to come home to visit him for his birthday and how I was "too tired" so I stayed home.  A few days later, Dad got sick and ended up in the hospital.  This wasn't unusual...he was fighting cancer and he was in and out of the hospital a lot.  Mom assured me that it was nothing and I went about my day.  The next morning while getting ready for work I received a text from my best friend saying that she was praying for my family and that if there was anything she could do, just let her know.  While I appreciated her concern, I honestly didn't think too much about it.  Then I got to work.  I happened to check Facebook and saw a post from my Aunt asking for prayers for her brother who was in ICU.  My heart sank and I immediately called home.  My Mom answered and I could tell right away that something wasn't right.  I asked her what was going on and she told me that Dad had been taken to ICU and was on a ventilator.  I told her I was on my way and she said "what about work?" to which I replied (not so quietly) "Fuck work.  I'm coming." and I hung up.  I left the office and drove straight to the hospital...which seemed to take forever even though I was doing 80 the entire way.  My mind was spinning even faster.  I was hurt.  I was angry.  My parents always shielded me...never wanting me to worry, so in an effort to protect me, they kept the serious nature of the situation from me.  Their intentions were good, but I was still angry at them for not trusting in my ability to handle the truth.

When I got to the hospital, I couldn't get to my Dad fast enough.  I felt like I had weights around my feet as I ran from the parking garage all the way to ICU...it was if I was moving in slow motion.  When I got to my Dad, I saw the truth.  He was laying in a hospital bed unable to speak to me.  My heart broke in that moment.  I regretted staying home over his birthday and not seeing him.  Now he couldn't talk to me.  I looked into his eyes and I took his hand and told him "I'm here now."  His eyes opened wide and he squeezed my hand.  Hiding my tears, I talked to him and he wrote notes to all of us...some of which I still have.

The next few days were the hardest.  One day he would rally and the next minute he would decline.  It was an emotional roller coaster for all of us.  We stood by him and prayed, but it wasn't enough.  It was clear that he wasn't coming back, so we had to make a decision no family should ever have to make.  We had to decide whether we wanted to be selfish and keep him hooked up to machines or let him go.  With his brother and sisters, we decided to let him finally be at peace and with that, the papers were signed and the machines were turned off.  We each had time alone with Dad to say goodbye and in my time, I just sat there and held his hand.  I didn't say anything...I couldn't.  I didn't want him to know that I was hurting.  At some point a nurse came in and said "Talk to him.  He can hear you."  I leaned in, told him that I loved him and that it was okay to go.  I promised him that I would take care of Mom and that we would be fine.  A few hours later, I watched my father take his last breath.

My life changed that day, but little did I know that just a few short years later, my life would change yet again with the loss of my Mom.  Two of the strongest people had I known, gone in such a short span of time...and now I find myself facing a season of "firsts" once again.  Mom's birthday is November 1st, followed by Thanksgiving, then Christmas...two holidays that my family would always spend together.  The first Fall without Dad was hard, but Mom and I had each other and we saw each other through.  Next Fall got a little easier but our hearts were heavy with remembering.

Now here I am...it's Fall once again.  My heart breaks every year around this time and this year will be especially hard.  I'll make the turkey and decorate the tree.  I'll smile and remember the good times and through my tears, I'll celebrate.  I'll celebrate their lives, I'll celebrate the love they showed to me and I will miss them.

Make time for your family.  Hug them tight every chance you get.  When they call, answer and always end your conversations with "I love you".  I know it's cliche, but tomorrow is not promised...leave no room for regrets.

Forever in my heart and always on my mind.  I love you and I miss you more than you both know, Mom & Dad.