I'm a little behind on my writing.  I find it frustrating at times...trying to get all of my racing thoughts organized enough to put into words.  I sat here several times and just stared at the screen.  Nothing.  But some things have started from nothing and mine starts now.

A few weeks ago, I lost my Mom and it was very sudden...I was just talking with her that morning.  It was our usual back and forth about our night, the dogs, nothing important really, just talking.  By that afternoon she was gone.

My whole world changed that day.  I always said that losing my Mother would be the one thing that would do me in.  I really felt losing her would mean I'd need to be locked away for awhile, that I would just fall into a big pile of nothing.  I feared it...and two weeks ago my fear became reality.  But that reality wasn't what I thought it would be.  I didn't get hauled off to a padded room.  I didn't fall into a big pile of nothing.  I'm not really sure what I felt at the time...I don't remember too much.  I remember being in the pool and then getting the call.  I don't remember the drive to the hospital, but I remember running to the emergency room doors and seeing Don...and there was a lady with him.  She took me by the arm and lead me down a hallway...away from everyone.  I knew.  I knew something was terribly wrong.  She wanted me to go into a room, a "comfort room" they call it...a room where doctors deliver bad news.  I wouldn't go in.  I knew going into that room would mean I would have to hear what I refusing to believe.  I kept asking to see her.  I kept asking where she was.  Finally, the lady, who was the  hospital Chaplin, went to get the doctor.  The news was swift..."your Mother suffered a massive heart attack.  We did everything we could...".  That's all I remember.
The next thing I know, I was in a room alone with my Mom.  I sat by her side, held her hand, talked to her for awhile, the nurse handed me her rings, I kissed her forehead, told her I loved her...and I left.
The next few days were a blur.  I wasn't sure which way to turn, what was up or down, but what I was sure of was the fact that I refused to fall apart.  I asked so many people so many times "What am I going to do now?"  Nobody had that answer.  They would just hug me and tell me that I was going to be okay, things will get better in time.  All the usual stuff people say when someone dies and they don't know what else to say.

For the most part I am okay.  I miss my Mom terribly and there are times I find myself reaching for my phone to text her a picture of the dogs doing something cute or to ask her how she's feeling.  Then it hits me and those are the times I'm not okay.  Those are the times I completely break down...the times I sit and ask why.  I'm still working through the loss of my Dad which will be three years this October.  I fell into a very deep depression after his passing, but I refuse to go back.  I miss him everyday, but in my final words to him in the hospital, I promised him that I would take care of Mom, that we would be fine and that it was okay to go.  I never got that chance with Mom.  I didn't get to hold her hand and say goodbye.  I didn't get to tell her that it was okay.  She always worried about me and how I was handling Dad's passing and I often find myself wondering...was she scared?  Was she worried about what would happen to me?  Where was I?  Why wasn't I there?  Did she even know what was happening to her?

I wasn't there because I wasn't supposed to be.  I honestly think if I had been, I wouldn't have made it.  Somehow I feel as if I was being protected.  Maybe it was her still looking after me.  Maybe it was Dad trying to shield me from the hurt.  Maybe it was God who knows my struggles and knows just how much I can handle.

I'm making good on my promise to Dad.  I took care of Mom as best I could...I'm taking care of what needs taken care of and handling things as best as I know how. I'm holding it together...for now.  That's all I can really do, all any of us can do is focus on now.  Today.  This minute.  This second.  Right now.  Spending time in the past doesn't do any good because we can't change it.  Worrying about the future is pointless because we can't predict it.  The best thing we can do is stay in the present...at least that's the best thing I can do for me and that's the best advice I can give anyone going through something like this.  One day at time, one foot in front of the other.  Now.